Have you ever attended a bible study, sat down, and had the thought, “I don’t feel like I belong?” Or have you been conversing with someone raised in a very conservative household and noticed how they speak about God and the Bible is very different from how you do? In my current study group, no one has ever done anything to make me feel less than others or that I was stupid for the way I said things, however, I do feel that way from time to time.

At first, I thought this was my social anxiety kicking in. I am shy toward people I do not know. I always try to put myself in uncomfortable situations to improve this and it has gotten better. There is still a little bit that lingers and causes me to be nervous so I either don’t speak up or I am quieter than I usually would be. With that being said though, I feel silly every time I am expected to put in my two cents when it comes to our bible study. I also think very ignorantly when others begin talking about the Bible, especially when it seems way over my head.

I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Is there such a thing as being more ‘Christian’ than another person? I’ve always craved a deeper connection with Jesus and for people to notice the difference. I can look at someone and see that God resides in them even though they aren’t perfect. I feel like people don’t do that when they look at me. Does that mean God doesn’t live within me? I know I have Him in my heart but is it because it is still early in the game? I made many mistakes in my past and I’m just now catching up to those who have had a relationship with Him longer.

Everyone tells you that when you have Jesus in your heart, He transforms you from the inside out and you’ll know you are saved. I don’t see a transformation. It may be slow, which is why it isn’t noticeable or maybe it isn’t there. I don’t know without a doubt that I am saved. I know God’s wrath and what I have done and I don’t deserve His love, forgiveness, or to see His face someday in heaven. I am not worthy. Does that mean I know I am a believer? Simply believing seems too simple.

Maybe I don’t take it on a deeper level for whatever reason. I tend to apply it practically rather than to take a look within myself. Maybe that is unexplored territory that no man has ever gone to before. There was a question in my study that I felt like a fool about. “Can you think of a time when you settled for immediate enjoyment over future blessings? Why?” I answered and said, spending money is typically settling. A lot of tangible items create this feeling. That is just where my mind went. So, when I shared it with the group all of them said they took that question very differently. Ya, ya, you could blame it on my ‘unique’ way of thinking but the more I analyze it the more it just seems like a cold answer or a very worldly answer. My mind isn’t programmed to go deep I guess or maybe it would hurt too much.

If I could retract my answer, I feel like it would be when I settled for the men in my life. Before I really got down to the nitty gritty of my sins after my divorce I dated a couple of boys who were very questionable. I know these relationships were not of God. And I know that I had them because I was being impatient waiting for the one God had chosen. I know that sounds silly “after my divorce” which is not divine intervention however I was released from that binding due to infidelity. Regardless, I didn’t want to wait for the right one, I just wanted the right now to get me through the heartbreak of what I had gone through. None of them turned out well until I met my current husband that I have no doubt about being the one God chose for me. That is a tough one to admit. So, maybe it just takes a bit more self-analyzing and digging down more profound to the root of the problem rather than generalizing my answer. It is just tough to share very personal things with strangers even though they are judgment-free and sisters in Christ.

Even saying ‘sisters in Christ’ sounds cheesy coming from my mouth but sounds uplifting coming from others. Who am I that I should be grouping myself with those sisters? Will it sound less cheesy the longer I am a believer? Am I just a hypocrite? After so many years of someone telling you that you are a hypocrite for loving Jesus and wanting to go to church and trying to do the right thing, you start to believe it. And maybe that is the root of why I feel this way. Or back to what I have said numerous times, perhaps that is how everyone feels? I don’t know. What are your thoughts, feelings, or suggestions to get out of this funk?

Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

1 John 1:9 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come”

Psalm 46:1-3 “1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”